365 Day Mood Project

TW: Discussions of sexual assault.

My goal on this day was to go to my mechanic and get my oil changed, then get my inspection done. My registration has been expired for almost a month, and I finally worked up the willpower to do something about it.

Today’s entry isn’t really about accomplishment.

The long and short of it is that I ended up going to that shop, learning that they don’t do inspections anymore, paying $700 in repairs, coming home, incessantly being called all day at work to solve everyone’s problems but my own, then learning about the existence of a “rape academy” with 62 million visits within a single month.

Needless to say, it was not my day.

Days like today are incredibly discouraging and have the potential to demolish all the momentum you’ve built if you can’t pull yourself out of a depressive spiral.

In terms of my car, I just kept thinking, “I don’t have the money for this. Why wouldn’t the shop tell me that they don’t do inspections anymore? I didn’t do what I was hoping to do, so I failed.”

At work, I kept thinking, “Why am I treated this way? I despise being treated like a secretary. My male coworkers aren’t treated this way. Why is the mental labor being forced on me like I’m fucking ChatGPT?”

When I learned about the “rape academy”, I kept thinking about all of the betrayals in my life. My own experiences with sexual abuse, assault, and rape. I kept thinking about the people who diminish the very real impact patriarchy has on women. How many men will stay silent to preserve their relationships with men who commit these crimes? How many men will elect a man brought to court for rape because false promises of cheaper gas prices matter more than a woman’s trauma? How many men will tell women to shut up or “not all men,” so they never face the discomfort of looking at themselves in the mirror and evaluating, “Am I a good person, or am I just not the worst out there?” In the meantime, women continue to suffer.

So here’s what I will say to anyone struggling like I am currently: you can be a quitter as long as you don’t quit on yourself.

I’ve learned over my lifetime of dealing with depression that I have to come first.

My car? I accomplished something. The money? I’ll figure it out. My registration? Fuck it, this is Texas, half these people drive around uninsured with registration stickers from 2024. My job? Just because someone calls me doesn’t mean I have to answer. They have all the tools to figure out their own issues, and I don’t particularly care if that means I’ll be disliked. Rape culture? I’ll be a vocal bitch about my stance on the patriarchy another day, but today? I can log off and take care of myself.

The chores will wait. My friends can wait. My family can wait. Planning can wait. Everything can wait. This blog I’ve created for myself can wait.

As long as I don’t quit on myself and make it wait forever.

Day 19 is done. Take care of yourself, just don’t quit on yourself. Keep it pushing. Love you, mean it.