365 Day Mood Project

With the constant chaos of the world as it is right now, one thought has been coming up consistently: I’m gonna be so pissed if I’m evaporated after being celibate for 5 months. So on day 15? I guess we’re going on a date.

Now, this is not a topic I’m going to talk about a lot. Frankly? I don’t suggest dating for people who are deep into a depressive episode. I’m a big fan of securing your own air mask first.

To be honest? I’m not even sure if I’m ready to go on a date again. My dating history is fraught with avoidant discards and confusing situationships, and after the last one, I was vehemently opposed to inviting anyone else into my life again.

You know what will ruin your mental health? Inviting the wrong person into your life. I gained 30 lbs during my time with that person, my skin was constantly breaking out, and I was drinking more than I ever had before. This is not to call that person a villain, but some people make your life worse, not better.

For those of you deep in post-relationship despair, I’ll tell you what I learned from those failed relationships, and maybe it’ll give you your own a-ha moment. God knows I’ve had plenty of those over the past 5 months.

Here’s what we’re NOT repeating again:

1. You can empathize with a person’s struggles, but it doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice yourself because you do.
   
   This was a HARD lesson for me. When I decide I care about a person, I tend to want to go all in. This applies to my friendships, my family, and romantic relationships. I’m the person you call to bury a body (or, less dramatically, build your wardrobe).
   
   The thing is, you can’t love a person into making better choices. People I’d been with before kept making choices that hurt me. We’d discuss, and they’d say they’d do better, but they kept repeating the same choices. I found it very difficult to leave, because they’d trusted me with their histories. I knew why they were the way they were. I loved them regardless.
   
   Now I understand that you can love someone, and still leave. You have to love yourself a little more. If you’ve made the effort to talk it out, and the pattern keeps repeating, it’s not in your control. It’s in the other person’s hands. The only control you have is to leave a situation that’s causing you pain.
   
2. Not everything is about attachment styles or what you’re doing wrong. Sometimes your nervous system is dysregulated because you’re in a situation that’s causing dysregulation.
   
   Therapy speak has gotten out of control, and I used to fall victim to certain things. Attachment styles have their place, but it can actually be really harmful to just label everything.
   
   I used to think I was somebody with anxious attachment. However, I’ve come to realize that it’s OK to have emotions and respond with emotions appropriate to situations.
   
   If you tell me you want to see me at a certain time, then blow me off, I can have an emotional reaction to that. That’s inconsistency. It’s not anxious attachment; that’s me responding to an unfair situation. If we have a conversation about my boundaries, and you keep crossing a line, it is completely reasonable for me to respond to your behavior.
   
   That said, if lines keep being crossed, it is your responsibility to protect yourself. What happens to you may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility.
   
3. Showing up “perfectly” or “completely healed” is actually detrimental to finding something real.
   
   I have worked on myself a lot throughout the years. For some complicated family reasons, I’ve been in therapy in one form or another since I was 8 years old. One thing you CAN’T say about me is that I haven’t done the work.
   
   That actually became a huge hurdle for me as an adult. I used to believe that I couldn’t ever yell; I needed to count to five, then respond calmly. I used to believe that I wasn’t allowed to cuss people out; I needed to understand where they were coming from and compromise.
   
   What this did for me when I entered romantic relationships was that I came in, showing up in a way that wasn’t entirely genuine. Many times, I ended up being the caretaker of someone’s feelings when they hadn’t learned how to process them. The other person got to spin out, while I ran my fingers through their hair and told them, “I understand where you’re coming from, let’s find a solution.”
   
   Then the moment I was pushed too far? This was a person they didn’t know. My reaction was totally out of line. How could I be this angry? They don’t even know me anymore. Meanwhile, that person was always there; it was just masked by counting to five and always being calm.
   
   They didn’t actually know me, warts and all. That’s not a solid foundation.
   
   DISCLAIMER: If you respond with physical violence or in any way that’s threatening? Yeah, that’s still an issue. This is more for those of us who have been conditioned to make sure every word is perfect to protect the feelings of others.

So now I haven’t dated anyone in 5 months, and we’re trying again. I won’t go into details about the date, but here’s what I’m trying this time around.

Relationship Anarchy

Open relationships are fine with me. I get a lot of my needs met by the wonderful friendships in my life, so romantic relationships just aren’t as high a priority for me. I’ve never been a jealous person. The only thing that has ever made me upset has been CONFUSION AND UNRELIABILITY. DO NOT IMPOSE STANDARDS ON ME THAT YOU CANNOT MEET.

Dating these days seems to be a long con of following the “escalator” of casual, to dating, to relationships, to marriage, all while keeping things grey enough to make you feel weird for not enjoying it. You don’t want to commit, so let’s see other people. Oh, so I’ve told you I’m seeing other people, and now you don’t like it? So you want to be in a relationship, but no, you don’t. We’re not putting up with that in 2026. Either it’s open, or it’s not. If it’s not, there’s a level of commitment that will be expected.

The reason I like dating people in open relationships is that there’s much less pressure on me. I know that if you can’t meet how often I want to see someone per week, or you won’t do the kinds of things I want to do when we’re together, or whatever else isn’t being met here, I have the option to find someone else who will. There’s no betrayal.

During my last relationship, we read something together called “Mating in Captivity”. He was in therapy at the time, and I wanted to support him, so I read it too, as the person he was dating. Funnily enough, I don’t think he really internalized it, but I did. Particularly, if you’re a woman, I highly recommend this book. Women often get trapped in dynamics that don’t serve them, usually as a product of patriarchy, and your partner will often mentally assign you a role and tell you who you are without your consent. This book blew my mind about what partners can do to be better for each other, even if larger society may not understand it.

Anyways, the date went very well, he’s exceptionally hot, and I hopefully if the mushroom cloud takes me tomorrow, it’s not as a born-again virgin. That’s just not my style.

And with that, Day 15 is done. Keep it pushing. Love you, mean it.