365 Day Mood Project

On Day 9, a friend invited me over to her new boyfriend’s home for a meal.

Now, for me, there are things on my calendar that are fun friend hangs, and then there are things on my calendar that I consider more “obligations”.

I’m gonna take a quick second to rant here about what I mean by “obligations”. This does not mean I won’t have fun doing these things. That said, these are the things that I consider “relationship maintenance”. In recent years, I feel like therapy speak has gotten WAY too out of hand. Specifically, there’s language floating around about what you “owe” to other people. What I’ve noticed is that there’s a trend of saying that you pretty much owe nothing to anyone.

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY DISAGREE WITH THIS SENTIMENT. We are all members of a society, and what we owe to each other is the effort it takes to keep society functioning. If you engage in a relationship with another person, if you expect it to continue, you DO owe them care and attention. If you expect people to care about you, you DO OWE THEM the basic respect and effort that you expect in return.

So, back to the event. I consider this part of what I owe to my friend to show her that I care about her life and who she’s chosen as a partner; I put it under the category of “obligation”. All that means for me is that it might just take slightly more energy on my end than just a girls’ night in would.

I was there from around 1 PM to 5 PM. I had a wonderful time, made some jokes, was well fed, and headed out.

By the time I left, I knew my metaphorical tank was empty. When this happens, and I know I’m probably going to crash as soon as I’m able to lie down, I like to do an “inventory.”

What’s the inventory?

I’m so glad you asked. I’m sure I wrote this in a previous post, but sometimes depression can feel like death by a thousand papercuts. It’s about identifying which papercuts we can take care of.

Basically, if I can tell I’m desperate to lie down, I know I’ve got a limited capacity to do much of anything. When I have a moment to think (like my drive home from my friend’s boyfriend’s house), I mentally go through the small, obvious things that are bothering me and make a list of what I can handle in the window between when I open my front door and when I collapse in my bed. What can I accomplish before I tap out for the day?

For example, these are the things I noted:

1. I had a grocery delivery I needed to put away.
2. I had an almost LIQUID bag of spinach in my fridge that was making things smell nasty.
3. I had a bunch of recycling that needed to go out.
4. I had a bunch of dishes in the sink.
5. I really wanted my makeup to come off.
6. My hair was greasy, and I wanted to wash it.
7. My hands were dry, and I wanted to moisturize them.
8. My teeth were feeling kind of fuzzy.
9. I was thirsty.

Now, this doesn’t have to be a list that includes every single thing in your life that needs to get done. You don’t have to write it down. This list is a mental inventory of what’s driving you crazy CURRENTLY, so you have some peace when you crash instead of torturing yourself with your inner dialogue.

How do you complete the inventory?

First, when you get home, DO NOT TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES OR PUT COMFY CLOTHES ON. If you do that, you’re a goner. You’re gonna lie down immediately and say “I’ll do it later”.

Second, do the most energy-consuming thing first. Think of it like an hourglass. The clock is ticking. You know your energy won’t last forever, so spend it wisely. You may lie down for a bit and get more energy later, but if you don’t, you’ll be grateful you did the big things first.

Third, do what will bug you the most if you don’t do it. If you’re going to ruminate on it if it isn’t done, then do it.

So here’s how it played out for me, as an example.

The most energy-consuming thing for me was unloading my grocery delivery, so that was first. Since my fridge was open, I grabbed an electrolyte drink, which solved my thirst. While I was in the fridge, I grabbed the bag of spinach to toss in the trash outside. Since I was headed outside to the trash, I grabbed my recycling on the way out. When I came back inside, I had more energy than I thought I would, and had emptied my dishwasher earlier, so dishes went in. At that point, I knew I was just about out of energy, so I changed into some comfy clothes. Teeth were brushed. For the makeup, I knew I didn’t have the energy to do a full face wash, so I just did a quick wipe off with a makeup remover wipe. After that, I was out of energy, so moisturizer and hair could wait a second.

And that’s how the inventory works. Not EVERYTHING is handled, but you have some small wins so you can lie down in peace and regain your energy. I got a lot done, but my mood was relatively good. If you’re struggling to do even one thing now, that’s ok. Our brains tend to catastrophize how long something is going to take and how much effort it’s going to take, so that’s why I hit the ground running as soon as I open my door. That way, I don’t give my brain the time to tell me why it’s impossible. Just do what you can and be decisive that you’ll get at least ONE thing done

Day 9 is complete, and my greasy hair and I are happily lying down now. The hair can be a tomorrow problem. Keep it pushing. Love you, mean it.