365 Day Mood Project

TW: Discussions of suicidal ideation.

On Day 8, we’re spending time with our bestie, grabbing pizza, and interrogating the consequences of the patriarchy.

For the pizza, we went to Love Supreme Pizza Bar on Manor Rd. If you go, I HIGHLY recommend the mushroom pizza. It’s no New York pizza, but it’s pretty damn good. We stopped at Butterfly Bar after for a G&T, since it’s on the same road. It’s a convenient location, too.

Now, to the pizza date.

We both have had a hard time recently, so we decided it was time to have pizza and beer. I LOVE this friend dearly, and time with her will always pull me out of whatever weird headspace I’m in. However, the thing I love most about her is that she’s willing to dive into deep topics. I always question my approach to things after talking with her.

On this particular evening, we were discussing the topic of relationships. I ended a “not quite” relationship back in October, and she had something similar occur recently. Sometimes these things happen and will make you angry, humiliated, and ashamed of the behavior you’ll tolerate and accept. I think both of us were in our own heads and needed each other’s help getting out of the muck.

Now I won’t share her story, because it’s hers to tell. However, I will introduce my hot take about depression, since that’s what this blog is about. I don’t think depression is purely a medical issue, though the American medical system would like us to believe it is. Depression, in some cases, is a completely logical and reasonable reaction to the circumstances around us.

THIS IS NOT TO SAY DON’T TAKE MEDS IF YOU NEED THEM. I encourage you to use every tool at your disposal, and if you think I’m not on Lexapro right now? You’re out of your gourd.

Why do I say this? As someone who has been diagnosed with depression for a long time, for me, it usually stems from a feeling of being trapped. Whether that’s in a job, a relationship, life circumstances, whatever. In some instances, removing the obstacle makes me less depressed.

There was a while where I worked in the basement of a Catholic church as a fundraising consultant. I remember on one lunch break, driving to a park and calling the suicide hotline. I was MISERABLE. I ended up quitting that job without notice, mailing the office key back, and moving to Austin. While my next job was also shit, I know I made the right choice, because I haven’t called the suicide hotline since. I’ve never been back in a hole that deep.

So, on this particular evening, when we met? We talked about the circumstances of our lives, particularly as it revolves around dating.

Frankly, I’m writing this two gin and tonics deep, so the order may not make a ton of sense. But neither does life usually, so just stick with me.

Though the discussion was about specific men, indirectly, it was more about the systems of our lives. If depression comes from this sensation of being trapped in circumstances you don’t like (at least it does in my case, maybe it does for you as well), is it not worth examining the systems in place that make us feel trapped?

As it pertains to dating, as women dating men, this concerns the patriarchy.

The patriarchy traps both men and women by imposing gendered expectations and roles upon them that honestly don’t serve anyone’s best interests.

In my specific case, I think the patriarchy had a role to play in that men often feel pressured to be partnered with a specific kind of woman. I don’t meet the criteria that men are pressured to be partnered with, typically.

I’m loud, I’m opinionated, I don’t want kids, and I’m tattooed. I don’t want to be married. I am an excellent partner, but I demand my own career and financial independence. By that same token, I’m funny, I’m smart, I’m a great listener, and I’m loyal. Sometimes people like who I am as a person, but by patriarchal standards, I’m not the person a man who has fallen victim to the patriarchy builds a future with. If men don’t examine their role within the patriarchy, they often get in the way of their own happiness and wants by adhering to these predetermined standards. Well, and also they rely on women they don’t love for external validation. Not sure which is my case, and to be honest, I don’t know that it matters very much.

Additionally, the patriarchy determines that my role must be a nurturing caregiver. I must always be the most healed one. I must always take the man’s feelings into consideration. I should never raise my voice. I should approach all situations with understanding and gentleness. The patriarchy frowns upon women responding less than perfectly in kind to the disrespect they receive. In these relationships, men get to cry and rage, and should be met with understanding and soft tones. Women, when they cry and rage, often end up comforting the men they’re with, because confronting men with the ways that they’ve failed their partners has hurt men’s feelings. The patriarchy demands that the intentions of men must matter more than the actual outcome.

Well, bestie and I are fed up with that. Screw that. We also get to be imperfect human beings, and partners should meet us with the same understanding that we meet them with.

So, how does this fit into dealing with depression again?

Here’s the big picture.

IF YOU FEEL TRAPPED DUE TO SYSTEMS OF OPPRESSION, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY FOR YOUR DEPRESSION.

Now we’re only covering one system of oppression here due to the life circumstances both my friend and I are dealing with, but this applies to all systems of oppression.

You are not crazy for feeling depressed if you’re dealing with the consequences of these systems, and I think that’s INCREDIBLY important to remember, particularly in the era we live in.

So what can help?

Honestly? The only thing I’ve found that helps is having community. The women around me save me daily, because we can have these conversations, support each other, and know that we’re not crazy for feeling this way. So hold tight to your community. If you don’t have one right now, don’t worry, I will cover that in another post, but also? Maybe comment here? Maybe this can be your community? Who knows what can happen?

On Day 8, we’ve raged against the machine over pizza and beer, and we’re off to bed. Keep it pushing. Love you, mean it.